Two Lovely Regulars, A Nervous Newbie, And My Sweet Revenge

10.30: Lovely James first came to see me around two months ago and is always a pleasure to see. He has his usual half an hour booking and has to dash off to play golf. His wife rang while he was here so I had to run around turning my phones off so there were no awkward questions!

(Many times I have silently been up to stuff with my men while they are on the phone to their wives. One man was even talking to his Mrs about his daughter’s wedding while I was up to no good. Awful isn’t it. But a bit funny?).

11.45: Cup of coffee and playing Word Chums after a nice bubble bath. I win around 60% of the games I play but I lose this one to a cheat. Gremlin1970 (made up) uses stupid words like Chegiras and Hobiitus with an average word score of 47 – he obviously has the Scrabble cheat board to hand.

I have three calls from new people all wanting to come and see me around 1.00 pm. One couldn’t speak English so I got frustrated and hung up on him. The other sounded far too happy and coughed in the wrong place so I told him I had a doctor’s appointment (always guaranteed to send the punters running for the hills).

1.00: Just managed to watch the news headlines before a nervous newbie arrives. I’m cringing as I type this. His deep voice made me think he was a middle-aged man but he was a 24 year old boy for goodness sake. Another negative: He had one of the biggest cocks I’ve ever seen which made me automatically cross my legs. I asked him if he had ever measured it and he told me he had and that it’s the same size as a Monster drinks can! I thought this was genuinely amusing. Imagine drinking a can of Monster and thinking, “Ooh let me just see how my cock measures up to this thing” (Actually when I was in Tesco’s I had a quick look at a Monster can – just to see – and there actually wasn’t much in it).

I absolutely could not have sex with him and have secretly placed him on my Banned list. Sorry if you fall across this post.

2.00: Force myself to swill half a bottle of water, eat an apple and half a jar of sugar free peanut butter. Fantasize about chocolate cake!

2.15: A newbie who let me down a couple of weeks ago (and didn’t bother to let me know) calls to make an appointment. I pretend all is ok and we make a booking for 5.00 pm. He then spends the rest of the afternoon sending texts about his journey and telling me what he’d like me to wear. He’s annoying me because he ends each text with: LOL! (Better than “LOLZ” granted, but still, if you have to “LOL” please say something funny you time wasting idiot).

Hiya gorgeous, I’m on schedule and am really looking forward to seeing you. LOL!

Hey, could you wear stockings and suspenders? LOL!

Do you have any crotchless knickers? LOL!

3.00: The Word Chums cheat has just pressed the rematch tab after thrashing me, but I’m ready this time. I’m using hints and bombs – plus I’ve pulled open the Scrabble cheat webpage. Two can play that game.

4.00: Regular Dave has booked me for an hour. Dave is another favourite of mine and we spend an hour being “sensual” which basically means I can be lazy. It’s all stroking, kissing and cuddling before getting on to the other stuff. I have to mention Margaret Thatcher a couple of times to put him off his stroke as he can be a little bit trigger happy.

5.10: Time waster calls me and I take great delight in ignoring his calls. He calls around fifteen times and sends me several texts asking where I am. I can imagine him in the area with a raging hard on all ready to go with nowhere to put it.

5.15: The Word Chum cheat thrashes me again, even though I’m cheating myself. I reckon there must be a secret society of cheats where they get special cheat boards no one else has access to. I call him a twat and block him!

5.30: It’s a wrap!