Saved In My Phone As

I have a seriously old phone for work – a deliberate thing on my part so that I don’t have to worry about the modern day terror of synchronization between various gadgets. However, this means that over time, I have had to collect a list of warning names in my phone so I know to ignore if I get any calls from those numbers.

Here’s an insight into the murky world of my mind:

Almost left (I’ve only ever had one person choose not to stay – I was quite flattered though because he said I was too thin. Mr “Almost Left” wavered but stayed. How dare he have to think twice!!)

Another day (How dare this guy not be charmed by my voice and realize he had other things to do. He won’t get another chance.)

Antique D (Old regular who had a crush on me which made things difficult.)

Bad breath, hard work

Being stingy

Big, hard work

Big van, let down

Bit too confident (I’m the star of the show.)

Bi? (I don’t want to see bi-sexual men because I worry about AIDS. Sorry.)

Cancelled (You might not get another chance.)

Can’t make it (Ditto.)

Chatterbox

Coke

Didn’t call back

Doesn’t talk. Hangs up

Dopey Derek

Dubai, let down

Fats, no

Feet (My feet are very ticklish.)

Fitbit hard work

Got weird, no booking

Graham no

Hard work but good massage

Has been, didn’t ring to confirm a booking

Has been, requests

Has been, Kev, stingy

Hard work, no way

Hunter

Keeps hanging up

Late, wants shower

Let down, idiot

Let down, looks like ex

Legless (Not drunk. This lovely man has a leg missing from the knee down and takes too long to get to my door)

Major let down, not been

Mark, wants wo, yuk (Not sure what wo is)

Monday let down maybe

Mr bore

Mr no cream (This guy doesn’t want me to use lubricant but I insist because it stops the condom from splitting.)

Naked (I don’t like my naked body – end of.)

Not been, cancelled

Not been, crass

Not been, rude text

Not been, age question (Look at my profile.)

Not been, cross dresser (I don’t want to see a man dressed as a woman.)

Not been, ditherer (This man will keep me on the phone for ages, wasting my time.)

Not been, gave me five minutes (Gave me five minutes to get ready and was upset I couldn’t have a bath etc in that time.)

Not been, got lost

Not been, idiot

Not been, keeps texting

Not been, rude

Not been, nice but mess around

Not been, no

Not been, nope

Not been, no gb (Can’t remember what gb is)

Not been, questions

Not been, thick, wrong number

Not been, too young

Not been, wants to date

Not been, won’t call, texts

Not been, too many questions

Nosey

Not been, banned

Not been, unreliable

Only if quiet, hard work

Old codger

Old regular, no

Over friendly time waster, let down

Pervy paedo text

Photographer (Called me a few times wanting to offer his services for free to take photos of me for my profile which I don’t need a letchy man with a hard on to do. If I did, I’d see a professional.)

Regular, went to wrong address (The biggest sin of all.)

Satin (Wants me to wear satin so only answer if I have any, otherwise it’s a waste of time picking up the phone.)

Single dad (*Ooh this one was getting a little into me as in hinting about going out on a date.)

Smelly arse (Clean and smelt of soap apart from his rear end.)

Sounds dodgy

String bikini (This one wanted me to wear a bikini and I don’t like my orange peel legs. Oh, I’m laughing as I know I’m not selling myself here and shouldn’t be so truthful.)

Texts

Text, idiot

Thick, got lost

Threats, fake

Too local

Tried take money

Twat, only if quiet

VIP not (This man is strange. Nice, but says he’s a VIP and has some kind of job that gets him into places. Needless to say I don’t believe him.)

Wants to meet (For a coffee if I remember correctly.)

Young, booze, hard work

Young druggie

15 minutes, no

Strangely enough, recently I decided to actually look at my phone and was shocked to see it has a “Save to Blacklist” option which makes things a whole lot easier.

*I’m thinking of offering date nights. Fancy it?