How Not To Book An Escort

*I’m surprised I’m still in business. I really am.

When I can be bothered to take on a new punter, their application to see Her Holiness is The Phone Call. I scrap text messages instantly because I can only suss a potential client by hearing his voice. (See point one listed below.) (Who do I think I am? Really!)

But I think I’m getting a little too particular for my own good (and for the sake of my savings pot for the palliative care of my ageing cat).

I can only be 100% certain the phone will ring if I’m halfway round the supermarket (adding the odd tin of cat food to the tissues, condoms and bleach, so I don’t look too obvious) – or if I’m busy watching the news and the whole Brexit fiasco / cheating at Word Chums etc. Call me at these times and a slight cough will see you instantly dismissed.

But even if I’m not busy doing the above, there are people I (and many other escorts I’d imagine) wouldn’t touch with a barge-pole.

Here’s how NOT to book an escort:

Don’t sound like Buffalo Bill. (Phut tha lotion in tha bahhsket.)

Take the cotton wool out of your mouth because you sound like a dipstick. Only men with decent pronunciation need apply.

(Also, I just wanted to have a little grumble about that film. Failing to tell us how Hannibal Lecter got his hands on the pen that ultimately resulted in carnage isn’t arty. It’s a sloppy, lazy cop-out!)

Don’t say, “Hiya babe, how are you doing?”

Don’t be so familiar. You don’t know us – and stop trying to keep us on the phone when you have no intention of making a booking. (We know when you’re having a wank and will cut you off just in time.)

“Hello?” (Bad line.) “Hello?”

Go somewhere that has better reception. There aren’t enough hours in the day!

“Hiya”. Cough.

It’s considered polite to clear your throat before you make an application. How would you feel if we sneezed down the line and you could hear us scratching ourselves?

Don’t call us asking how much we charge for a fuck.

Manners first – dirty talk after you’ve paid.

Don’t tell us we sound lovely over the phone and you would “even” take us out for dinner.

No freebies so don’t flatter yourselves.

Don’t say you want to give us a good time.

See above.

And please don’t text us with any of the following (including all variations):


Allright babe.




Wot u up 2?

Can you take a large penis?

What days do you work? How much do you charge? Do you see couples? (Read our profiles.)

Your tits look great.

Do you do bareback luv?

My girlfriend has just dumped me and I’m feeling really down. We were together for two years and I’m feeling so alone. Are you up for some fun?

You should probably call the Samaritans.

*I promise I’ll be nicer next time! 🙂